He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
