yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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