i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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