Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
