Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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