Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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