I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
