How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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