moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
