Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
All I want is dick and wine.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
