Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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