Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
