He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
