can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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