I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
