After last night, I could never be a politician.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
