The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
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Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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