oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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