I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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