yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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