Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
