how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
