He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
