My friends, they love my intelligence
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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