I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
