"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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