How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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