I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
