dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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