There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
