Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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