You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
