If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
please don't ironically join a cult
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