I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
