is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I could make wine with my vomit
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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