I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
