I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
