bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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