All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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