i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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