i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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