Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
