i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
