some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
