he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
