Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
