I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
They took my balls.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
A+ Viking dick
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
