Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
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So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
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She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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