i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
