the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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