My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
