People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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