omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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