the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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