and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
