You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
