I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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